Release the Hog
Every dog has his day, but it is time for the hog to have his.
I watch too many movies (as do most of us in this Lockdown Era) and have noticed that there is a serious problem with balancing male and female representation. Sure, let’s first acknowledge the lack of female leads in movies as a raging pop culture problem. But I am not going to be swirling my glass on that topic today. You’ll be intrigued to know I have a far spicier topic at hand.
To clarify and humbly offer you a reference anchor up front, the word hog refers to the immaculate male penis. The member. The sausage in the soup. The eggplant’s nefarious shadow. The phallic demise of conversational etiquette.
This article is about liberty. It is about freedom. It is about the hog. The glorious, glorious hog. A luscious topic for you, oh luscious reader.
I want to wax on the fact that the hog is never shown to us on screen, it never graces us with that unpredictable wave of its fleshy segments.
Now as a heterosexual male it shouldn’t bother me much but hey it’s 2021 and we need equality everywhere, so yes it does bother me. It also bothers my girlfriend who raised this very poignant issue one night on the couch. How come we are so often blessed with bubbling boobies, naughty nipples and the odd powerful vageen in mainstream entertainment? We see bush, tush and the mush of naked female bodies pressed upon the well-covered anatomies of the leading hunks. There’s a problem when you can instantly remember seeing five famous actresses naked in movies, but not even one leading male celebrity. It got me thinking, mulling and advocating for a fairer world.
Now I’m not proposing we turn Hollywood into Hoggywood, but it’s time we levelled the playing field with some mainstream man meat. Give the girls a chance to sweat while watching the latest Netflix special. Let them get flustered and excited and outraged at what they are seeing. Let them take screenshots to book club from the latest hogspotting session on their couch. It’s time everyone got their fill of ocular delight. There’s a gap on the perversion menu that needs to be filled, preferably with a chef's special. The time has come for my girlfriend to be awkward and nonchalant when one of these juicy scenes arises. I’m tired of being the one avoiding eye-contact while I reach for the nearest fern-spangled couch pillow before shuffling off to get a glass of cold water.
It’s not just for the lustful gazes of our girlfriends, our wives, and various hog-lovers across the spectrum of sexuality.
Oh no no no. It’s for our collective curiosity too. We want to know what these studs are packing. We want to know that we can compete with Chris Hemsworth on just one thing. We want to know that it’s ok for penises to be oblong, to be skew or to be girthy or thin. We want to see ones shaped like exotic jellyfish, like rising skyscrapers or like those piping bags found in most corner-store bakeries. The sky is the limit when it comes to the construction of the hog, and it is time the world was exposed to this exposure. We can’t just get our Encocklypedia entries from Johnny Sins and the rowdy rangers of the seedy parts of the web. We want to see everyday man penis so that we can normalise things again, so that men can be proud of whatever they have hanging in that simmering art gallery between their thighs.
There does come a discussion about whether we deal with flaccidity first or erect an argument around the peen in its more aggressive form. I feel under-qualified to deal with such a quandary, but I’ll say this: All Hogs Matter and we need to celebrate them for what they are. Joyous, wormy, wavy flesh-creatures that can be extremely humourous, slightly off-putting, or more beautiful than a golden sunrise dancing across the hazy horizon of Marrakech. Let’s hope that 2021 gives us as many willies as naked fillies in the movies and series that come to our screens. We deserve more.
Viva la hog!
